Tainted Love
by faded harmony
Summary: Octavian knows he is the best Roman that has ever lived. His love for his teddy-bear girlfriend is pure- or so he claims. It pretty much goes downhill from there. Perhaps his 'true love' isn't as pure as he claims... Oneshot.


**OCTAVIAN**

OCTAVIAN WAS DEALING WITH DIFFICULT BREAK UP WITH HIS TEDDY-BEAR GIRLFRIEND.

"No!" he cried. "You can't break up with me!"

"Yes I can." Joyce the Teddy-bear said. "You kidnapped me from Percy at the carnival. I'm breaking up with you."

"But he already has someone! That filthy Greek Annabeth!"

Joyce snorted. "She's actually a very nice person, unlike SOME PEOPLE."  
Octavian glowered at her. "How dare you insult me! I brought you somewhere safe-"

"SAFE? So ripping up my cousins just to read the 'will of the gods' in front of me is SAFE? More like psychotic."  
"You can't do this!" Octavian wailed. "I will be so alone!"  
"Like you weren't before. I heard what you did with that Drew girl-!"  
"A cruel joke!" Octavian howled. "Revenge on the that girl from her siblings! I was simply a victim-!"  
"Victim my stuffing. I saw those pictures on DemiBook."  
Octavian gasped. "You little-"  
"Oh, what are you going to do? Destroy me? Just proves your crazy."  
"AHHH!" Octavian screamed and launched himself at the giant teddy bear.  
In a matter of minutes, Joyce the teddy bear was no longer with us.

(All bow heads for a moment of silence)

Panting heavily, he pushed aside the stuffing and weeped in his arms.  
Of course, Joyce had been right.

"I'm a monster!" he wailed.  
Suddenly, Frank came in behind him wearing a Hawaiian skirt and coconuts.  
"Octavian? Are you there?" he waved his hands in front of him.  
Suddenly a giant chocolate donut came in behind him, and it spoke with Hazel's voice.  
"Frank? We need to go now."

"AHHH!" He screamed. "GIANT TALKING DONUT!"  
"What the f-" Frank said, and Octavian leaped up on the table.  
"!" he screamed.  
"Yeah, okay. That's creepy." Frank the Hawaiian hula dancer said.  
"Ummm..." the donut said. "What's wrong with Octavian?" she asked.

Octavian was too busy biting his toes to notice her now.  
"Maybe he hit his head?" Frank suggested helpfully.  
"No, like what's wrong with him?"  
"Hazel, we both know there's a LOT wrong with Octavian."  
"That's not what I meant."

Octavian giggled at the donut. "Hehe funny talking chocolate donut..."  
"Okayyyy..." Hazel said. "He is officially starting to creep me out."  
"He creeps everyone out.  
"You know what I mean."  
"DONUT!" yelled Octavian, and launched himself at Hazel.  
Frank intercepted and sent Octavian sprawling into a desk.  
He fell to the floor sucking his thumb and humming "Friday" by Rebecca Black.  
"Yeah, there's something wrong with him." Hazel decided.  
"No kidding." Frank gasped. "I think he's lost it."  
"Let's go get some help."

They bolted out the door, leaving Octavian crawling on all fours and making gorilla noises.  
He pushed the door open, and the sunlight blinded him for a moment.  
"Ohohohohohoho!" he said, pounding his chest. "Pretty sparkles!"  
Dakota was walking down the street when he saw Octavian.  
"What the (censored) is your problem!" he yelled, when Octavian grabbed his leg and started gnawing on it. "You like, a cannibal now?"  
"NOM NOM NOM NOM!" Octavian replied.  
Dakota kicked him off. "Get away from me you creep!"  
"Mama?"  
"WTTFFF!" Dakota ran away screaming, dropping his Kool Aid flask in terror.  
Octavian stumbled around, bumping into other legionarres and asking "Mama?"  
They would shove him away and call him a loony.  
"Mama?" he asked Terminus.  
"AHH! CRAZY PERSON! OUT! OUT! OUT! YOU MAY NOT ENTER THE CITY! WHERE ARE YOUR MEDICAL RECORDS! A PERMISSION SLIP FROM THE DOCTER?"

"Mama!" he said, and ran over to hug Terminus.  
Julia, who stood in his way, stuck out her foot and tripped him.  
She dragged his unconscious body away from the statue god.  
"Thank you Julia!" he called.  
She smiled, and dropped him off in front of the Cohorts.  
Octavian regained consciousness shortly after she ran off, and he looked around blindly.  
He ran up to random campers, and hugged them  
Don the Faun was the only one who hugged him back.  
"Feel the love!" he said.  
Octavian made a '3' like a Taylor Swift heart, and Don pretended to catch it.  
"Call me later, yo!"  
"Bananas!" Octavian replied, if that made any sense.

Octavian wandered around the camp for a little while longer.  
Hazel and Frank came back later.  
"Hello Hula Frank," Octavian greeted them. "Greetings Hazel Donut."  
"WTF?" Frank asked.  
"This is EXACTLY what I'm talking about!" Hazel said. "Octavian, WHAT THE PLUTO IS YOUR PROBLEM!"  
"That's a question no one will be able to answer." Frank shook his head solemnly.  
"My tacos are heating up, my mother is flying, the birds are drowning, and the worst is yet to come!" Octavian sang like a true soprano.  
Hazel and Frank looked at him clueless.

"I ask again, WTF?" Frank said. "You know what, we should get a doctor."  
"What kind of doctor?" Hazel asked. "A psychologist?"  
"No. A crazy one. Maybe we could use a mallet..."  
"Frank!" Hazel scolded. "Hitting him on the head with a mallet won't fix him!"  
"Oh, your right." Frank said embarrassed. "We should use a baseball bat."  
"Frank!"  
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding."  
"You better be." she muttered.  
"Still, I think a baseball bat is our best option..." Frank said.  
He dashed off to get a doctor...or more likely, a bat.  
Hazel scowled, and chased after him.  
Octavian slumped against the wall, and from the dumpster took out ripped black clothes...

When Hazel and Frank returned with a child of Apollo, they found a Rock Concert going on in the main square.  
There was a kid with spiked green hair singing some Screamo, and Hazel looked around frantically for Octavian.  
"Where is he?" Frank asked, scanning the crowd.  
"OCTO! OCTO!" the audience yelled.  
"Oh my gods," Hazel whispered. "No way..."  
"- AND MY FATHER TOOK HER OUT AND I STAYED HOME ALL NIGHT, BUT IT'LL BE ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! I THREW AN EPIC PARTY AND HAD TONS OF FUN, FUN AND THEN WE-" Octavian's lyrics went on and on, most of them violent and dirty.  
The Apollo healer hummed to the music.  
"What do we do?" Frank whispered.  
"I have no idea."  
"Perfect." Frank groaned. "Now what's he doing- Oh holy- NO!- what the Pluto does he think he's doing!"  
He covered Hazel's eyes, and shut his own while the audience went nuts, clapping and whistling.  
Frank peeked, and removed his hand from Hazel's face. "It's safe to look now."  
Octavian came off the stage, taking his stuffing knife and shredding his guitar, making Frank wince and Hazel cover her ears.  
"Does this generation always have to be so loud?" she complained.  
"Let's just get Octavian and go." Frank said, pulling her hand to the back stage.  
Behind a thin red curtain, Frank and Hazel waited patiently for a golden opportunity to snatch Octavian.  
They found one- Octavian, stumbled back in the middle of his 'concert' and into the curtain.  
Amid the screaming and confusion for 'Octo' they smuggled him out, his muffled yells in the curtain.  
"We got him."

"Success."

Octavian slipped out, halfway down street.  
Hazel and Frank yelled at him to get back into the curtain so a doctor could check on him, but that made him run even faster.  
Octavian had an unnatural fear of doctors- how they wore white, open, long, loose jackets, and how they always wore latex gloves.  
"DONUTS MAKE THE WORLD GO 'ROUND!" he yelled like a drunk man, down the streets of New Rome.  
He stopped at the coffee shop, where he scraped out the green paint in his hair, changed clothes (in the middle of the Cafe), and started fooling around.

He knocked over the gumball machine, and stuck his foot through the old Jukebox in the corner.  
Then, he appeared to go nuts and knocked down an old woman (who took her cane and shoved it not so gingerly in his...weak point) and left him squeaking and groaning as she left the shop.

The owner came over, and kindly asked him to leave, and Octavian said with wide eyes:  
"OMG! Your Lady Gaga! Can I have your autograph? I AM SO EXCITED TO MEET YOU!"  
The shop owner looked confused, and denied his autograph.  
Octavian threw a fit and shook the man and slapped him across the face.  
"MY POTATO'S NEED TO EAT!" he yelled, shaking the trembling man, trying to make him understand.  
"GIVE ME THE HAPPY MEAL!" he screamed.

"Lemme go, you nut case!" the man shrieked, and pulled himself away from the crazy augur.  
"HOME! HOME IS ON THE HIPPO!" Octavian yelled through the streets.  
He stopped at a giant fire hydrant (which turned out to be Mrs.O'Leary) and hugged it.  
The fire hydrant (aka Mrs. O'Leary) ran off to chase pigeons, leaving Octavian crying like a small child in a heap in the middle of the streets.  
Someone almost ran over him with their chariot, and missed him by swerving out of the way.  
"Charlie?" Octavian asked the horses, as the driver got out and swore at Octavian.  
"Charlie, why did the pineapples fly away? Mama said they would come back." Octavian babbled.  
The man, who was cussing at his broken chariot, suddenly became a giant sponge.  
"AHH!" Octavian yelled, causing many people to glare at him from a distance away. "NO! NOT SPONGEBOB! I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR PINEAPPLE BACK, JUST PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!"

"WTF?" The man said, swiping up the water that had spilled from his canteen. He dropped it at Octavian's sudden fit.  
Octavian screamed even louder. "THE RIVER OF BLOOD! THE WORLD IS ENDING! RUN FOR YOUR HOUSES! TAKE COVER!"  
Everyone dashed into a nearby covering, while Octavian yelled about how the world was ending.  
"IT HAS...BEGUN!" he yelled.

A piece of chocolate fell from the sky.

At least, that's what Octavian saw.  
The other people grumbled, storming away. They saw him cower as more leaves fell of the tree.  
Then Octavian picked up the 'chocolate' and stuffed it in his mouth, saying how delicious the alien chocolate was.  
Passerby's ignored his rants and ravings, until finally Hazel and Frank caught up with him.  
This time, Hazel was a beautiful lady, wearing a shimmering silver dress and holding a microphone.

Frank, was a sparkling rainbow pony.

"It's okay," Hazel soothed. Octavian nodded, totally awed.  
Frank growled, but picked him up on his shoulders and started carrying him away.  
"Thank you pretty unicorn," Octavian babbled.  
"Yeah, your gonna see more unicorns when I smack you on the head." Frank growled.  
Octavian offered Hazel a rose he found (which was actually a piece of used toilet paper) and hse crinkled her nose, and looked the other way.  
Along the way, they passed a giant purple hippo, a blue donkey, and a giant talking tree. Octavian watched in wonder and amusement at all the strange animals.

Finally, Frank the unicorn put Octavian down beside a large desk.  
Behind it sat a girl with blue hair, and twinkling eyes.  
"Hazel? Frank?" she asked. "What's the meaning of this?"  
"Sorry to bother you Percy," they addressed the pretty rainbow lady. "But something's wrong with Octavian."  
Percy/Rainbow Lady frowned, and said "We know there's always been something wrong with him."  
"But he called Hazel a donut, he started singing Screamo at an 'Octo' concert, and he thinks I'm a sparkly unicorn."  
"Okay," Percy said, raising his eyebrows. "I have to admit that sounds...odd."

"Preator Jackson," Hazel interrupted. "What do we do?"  
"Octavian," Percy addressed him sternly. "What's wrong?"  
"Nothing, pretty rainbow lady," Octavian said blushing. "You are really pretty." he added.  
Frank's eyebrows shot up and his expression clearly said; "WTF?"  
Percy frowned. "There is defiantly something wrong with him."  
Another person entered the room, except they were large and beefy- a wrestler like on TV.  
"Reyna, what do you make of Octavian?" Percy asked the wrestler.  
The wrestler didn't reply, she/he looked at all of them in understanding and swung a baseball bat at Octavian's face.

Octavian awoke, wearing strange clothes.  
He looked around the room, and saw Reyna, frowning and clear disapproval on his face.  
"What- what happened?" he asked her.

She glanced up at him, and Percy was behind her, his face full of clear disappointment on his face, like he wished Octavian was still unconscious.  
"Octavian," she said, rolling her eyes. "This is the third time this month. What have I told you about staying off the Ecstasy?"


End file.
